#PrideIssue – Welcome to our new digital issue: IN CONVERSATION WITH – Part 5, 144 pages fashion, art and illustrations! Out 17.07.2020 – featuring in conversation with Pabllo Vittar, Adrien Weiss, Ella Boucht, Davi, Phoebe Bridgers, Mateo Velasquez, Lil Botox. Featuring Crystal from RuPaul’s Drag Race UK Season 1, Darren Skene, Pablo Solano, Damian Garcia, Sammy Finn Cullis, Jacopo Marchio, Ernst van Hoek and more. On the cover, Chris Flora photographed by Alberto Lanz.
Pride. Pride. Pride. I want to be proud. I want to be visible because visibility is not necessary – it’s vital. I want to be visible to help at least one person to feel less alone, less misunderstood. I want to be as bold as people expect me to be.
I want to be the fierce brown transgender woman I know I can be. I want to be fearless. I want to go outside without asking myself what people think of me.
I want to embrace myself. I want to love myself. Just want to be fully me.
But, I am afraid. Afraid of my transition, because even though I’m still at the beginning of this process, I don’t know how it will go. I am afraid to look like “A man in a dress” because for a cis woman, not to look like a stereotype of femininity is okay. But for a transgender woman, not to look like a stereotype of femininity means that you could die.
I am afraid not to “pass” and to have to always look behind my back in order to be safe.
I am tired. Tired of feeling unwell every time I have to go to the bathroom ‘cause there are no gender-free bathrooms. I am tired of questions that shouldn’t be asked from friends and strangers when I talk about my transition. I am tired of hearing that I am not really trans* because my story is not the same as other trans* people.
I am tired of being unable to find clothes that fit my body dysmorphia. I am tired of having to explain that yes I am also a victim of acts of racism, almost on a daily basis.
I am not here to educate anyone. I am afraid that my mum will read this piece. I am afraid to be visible.
I don’t have a choice, really. There is no way back in depression, only the possibility of going forward.
I wish “our community” was more thoughtful and aware than it pretends to be. I wish we were not celebrating femme boys, trans* and all womxn only during Pride Month.
Breathe. Baby steps, one day at a time – that’s how I live right now.
I want to make a promise. I want to try to celebrate myself every fucking day. That is what we should all do. It’s time to come together and support ourselves every single day. Clearly, this is a lot of work. So let’s get to it.